| And so we went. We took BART since the bridge was closed, and had a nice time talking. We were picked up at the Berkeley BART station by our good friend Trevor Southey. We found the chapel, and though I didn't want to, we set foot inside a Mormon chapel. After we sat down (in the front row), I turned to Trevor I said "I am angry." I was. I was having a hard time just being there. I wanted so speak, in fact I wanted to yell and vent and cry. I didn't. I sat as calmly as I could as President Crittle started the fireside.
Allow me to recount this fireside as best as I can. President Crittle started by enumerating 6 points concerning the Mormon understanding of 'same gender attracted' people (as always, LDS leaders refrain from the word 'gay', much less 'homosexual'). Punctuating these points, different members of the audience read statements by various church authorities that supported them. Paraphrased, and to the best of my recollection,
1. Sexuality is innate.
2. Sexuality is unbidden.
3. Sexuality is for the most part, unchangeable.
Marriage to the opposite sex will not change sexual orientation of gay men or women.
4. We do not know what causes sexual orientation
5. What the cause is in immaterial to LDS doctrine
6. We should show nothing but love and acceptance to our gay brothers and sisters, especially those in our families.
My first rush of reactions to these points was several fold. It did help dissipate my anger some as I sat there. Here was a leader of the church, bluntly stating in no uncertain terms many of the things his gay brothers and sisters have been telling Mormons for years. Though I disagree with, or at least would strongly caveat, the 4th point, most I would agree with. I was thankful that this man, this leader of the church was finally telling his people, hundreds of fellow Mormons, what we've been trying to tell them for years, laying out clearly and succinctly everything every Mormon should understand. We do not come by this lightly, we do not choose this, we do not blithely disregard beliefs and doctrines. We struggle and have struggled mightily with it.
But my next reaction was a phrase that kept popping into my head "Too little, too late." Perhaps not, perhaps any step towards understanding and love is a good step, no matter how small and tentative. Perhaps little is better than none, and late is better than never. He did not go so far as to say, and could not, the church's doctrine, or even their actions politically should have been different or should be different in the future. But at least he was counseling understanding and love.
Too bad it wasn't a year or more ago. Because, coming after the violation that was the huge effort of the church to rip my family's rights away, it still felt a bit like an abuser apologizing to the person they abused. Perhaps they mean it sincerely, but they'll have to understand if the abused looks at the apology with a huge healthy dose of skepticism, perhaps disdain even.
Still, a step.
President Crittle then had four stories, three from within the stake, of gay men and their struggle. The first a young man who read a short piece about the hopelessness a celibate single gay man in the Church feels and how different it is from being a single straight man or woman in the church, the second was a woman who told her story of her marriage to a gay man, the torture he felt and their subsequent divorce, was third was a reading from a letter by Henry Stuart Matis, a gay Mormon who committed suicide. The last story was from a man, someone who my husband knows from 20 years ago, who came out, divorced his wife and then fell into a life of drugs, promiscuity and worse, only to bring himself back and return to the church, though remaining an out and celibate gay man. He is now a ward missionary leader (which I would love to talk to him about some day).
The stories were filled with woe and sorrow. These are true. The church's past responses to it's gay brothers and sisters have created a life of sorrow and woe for us. It has driven many into painful marriages that end is deep sadness, it has driven many into lives of loneliness, hopelessness, despair and some to suicide. I can not deny that, I have lived it myself. And any step to help other Mormons understand that their response to their gay brothers and sisters can lead them to that despair... or not... is a good step.
But you know what was glaringly absent? Any stories of gay Mormons that ended up happily outside the church, or happy relationships, or even explicitly any stories where gay men and women don't fall into a life of promiscuity and abuse outside the church.
Maybe they couldn't bring themselves to do that? Perhaps by doing so suggests that there is a life for gay men and women outside of the structure of the church, one that can be happy. I could be reading into it too much. It could be that in some of the other meetings earlier this year, the did tell stories of men and women who were leading fulfilling lives in committed relationships. If they did, I'd love to hear it.
As it was, after the meeting was over, I had an opportunity to speak with President Crittle. I thanked him for what he was trying to do, I sincerely was grateful that he had made such a great effort over these last few months to help his members understand more. I also explained to him my concern that they studiously seem to avoid any stories of gay Mormons in happy committed relationships. I could point to several, many who are raising children, in his own stake that could tell that story.
I could tell that story.
I asked him to consider that next time. I'll refer him the names. I doubt, but am hopeful, that those stories will be told at a fireside some day.
During the conversations afterward, a tall man about my age wanted to introduce himself to me and my husband, he came and shook our hands and introduced himself as "Bob Packer." Since I was talking to others, the name did not register, I politely greeted him and continued talking to someone else. Later, my husband explained to me who he was. He was the LDS 'point man' for the Yes on 8 campaign. He was a person in large part responsible for the huge financial and volunteer turn out of the Mormon membership for Prop 8. I was surprised and just a bit flummoxed that he, of all Mormons, would be there, much less to seek us out to introduce himself. If there'd be someone I'd want to talk to, someone I'd want to understand, someone who could in some small way explain to me what my former faith was thinking, he'd be the one. Alas, I missed the chance. Perhaps another day.
I had several conversations later, including with the woman that told the story of her former husband, later that also helped me again understand that there are many Mormons within the church who sincerely and honestly believe in our equal treatment, who love us for who we are and not for who they paternalistically want us to become. I should know that, they are in my own family. These men and women, these Mormons, who are an example of what it is to love unconditionally and without judgement. Guy's parents and two of his brothers and their families are such Mormons. They are out there.
And if anything, this meeting reminded me of that.
I am under no illusions that there is any reconciliation, nor maybe ever will be, with the LDS institution. Though I am still angry at the church, though I do not believe in any way that the church as an institution feels any remorse for the efforts to remove my family's rights and though I understand this is a very very small step forward have the huge leap back the church made last year, any step is welcome. |
